It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
