Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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