I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
