there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
