we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
