u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize