So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
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