i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
