My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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