Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
