Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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