While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
