i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
