I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
