my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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