dude i'm inner monologue high
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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