Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
