I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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