he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
