Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
