I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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