I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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