Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
