I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
