I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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