we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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