you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
