Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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