I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
