Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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