Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
