So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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