Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I pour the whiskey from now on
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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