No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
