Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
