How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
