somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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