got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
did you just send me my own nude
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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