Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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