She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
