She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
