I'm jealous of your bromance
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
