the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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