how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize