we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
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