So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I did not marry a roomba.
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