Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
