I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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