sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
