I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
