i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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