maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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