i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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