Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
