Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
