You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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