Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
