life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
